Damn You
by Pyrefangs
Summary: I look away; replacing my heart break with a new feeling… this is a feeling I can take with me." Renegade Shepard's final thoughts on Kaidan Alanko. Song-fic, one-shot.


**Damn you**

Author's Note: I don't care if you hate it. I'm feeling slightly depressing today, and this song has been swimming in my brain. _**Flames will be ignored for this story.**_ Yes it's a one-shot, and my first and probably only song-fic. No, the Shepard depicted here is not the same as my other ME story. You see… crap like this is what happens when my siblings act like little jackasses. But seriously…

Disclaimer: The characters, places and things of the Mass Effect universe do not belong to me. If they did, Kaiden would be a romance option in both games… and less of an ass-hat. Also, the song lyrics belong to the band Slipknot. It's a song called 'Snuff'.

~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Bury all your secrets in my skin**_

_**Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins**_

_**The air around me still feels like a cage**_

_**And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again**_

Turning onto my side, I stare blankly at my alarm clock as the seconds tick away. I can feel the tear streaks running down my face, and I have a very good feeling my eyes are red and puffy. It's been a few hours since returning to the Normandy, and I think I will be happy if I never have to return to Horizon again. I feel empty inside… I wish they hadn't brought me back.

_**So if you love me let me go**_

_**And run away before I know**_

_**My heart is just too dark to care**_

_**I can't destroy what isn't there**_

The clock clicks another minute away next to me; the tears are getting harder to hold in. Sitting up, I drop my head into my hands and give up trying not to cry. My sobs are echoing around the room, at least I'm above all the other decks… I hate this feeling of weakness… I hate myself… I hate him.

_**Deliver me into my fate**_

_**If I'm alone I cannot hate**_

_**I don't deserve to have you**_

_**Ooh, my smile was taken long ago**_

_**If I can change I hope I never know**_

Another minute ticks by before I finally pull myself off the bed. I glance around the room, taking in all its special perks. Fish tank… what a waste of credits, I refuse to even use the blasted thing… it's just a ploy to suck me deeper. Model ships… only two will ever hang there, even though there is room for an entire set. It took me hours to wrap the little arms of Sovereign around the real Normandy… I was rather proud of myself. Desk…covered in papers… computer…beeping with new messages… medals… picture. Kaidan…

_**I still press your letters to my lips**_

_**And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss**_

_**I couldn't face a life without your lights**_

_**But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight**_

"God damn you Kaidan." The picture is moved from the desk into my hands and my eyes well up again. Hot tears fall down my face and splatter across the glass. His words are still ring in my ears… I wish he was close enough to be slapped. "The first thing I thought when I awoke from being dead was of you. The first person I wanted to find was you… I love you Kaidan Alanko. And you hate me."

_**So save your breath, I will not care**_

_**I think I made it very clear**_

_**You couldn't hate enough to love**_

_**Is that supposed to be enough?**_

I can feel my fingers tightening around the frame; my anger builds as I go over his words again and again. He didn't listen to me… he didn't even try; it was almost as though he knew and had already made his mind up. I begged, I pleaded… nothing.

_**I only wish you weren't my friend**_

_**Then I could hurt you in the end**_

_**I never claimed to be a saint**_

_**Ooh, my own was banished long ago**_

_**It took the death of hope to let you go**_

"Damn you…" I clutch the picture tightly for a moment, shaking my head. "God damn you." I finally find my resolve and my teeth clench. Taking one last look at the picture, I feel myself snarling slightly. If that's how he wants it… then fine. The picture slips from my hands as I throw it, impacting into the wall and shattering.

_**So break yourself against my stones**_

_**And spit your pity in my soul**_

_**You never needed any help**_

_**You sold me out to save yourself**_

The picture floats to the floor slowly, Kaidan's face forever smiling up from the pile of glass and plastic. I look away; replacing my heart break with a new feeling… this is a feeling I can take with me. I walk over to the intercom and slam my fist into the button. "Joker, get me the fuck out of this system." I know I'm growling… I hope he's trembling. I'm not happy, I'm not sure I ever will be… and I'll be damned if I don't let the galaxy know.

**And I won't listen to your shame**

**You ran away, you're all the same**

**Angels lie to keep control**

**Ooh, my love was punished long ago**

**If you still care don't ever let me know**

My eyes betray me and glance once more at the picture, but I don't move to recover it. I turn and leave the room, wishing to high heaven I could slam an automatic door. Damn him… Damn you Kaidan Alanko.

_**If you still care don't ever let me know**_


End file.
